To get the ball rolling I’ll start with one of my very first
historic crushes. I developed a taste
for such crushes during my home schooled days (yes I’m one of “those” but that
doesn’t explain my quirks... because I've always had those). The city library, an old 1970’s cement block
of a building, was my babysitter, and probably the best one any child could
have! Within this realm of fantasy and
fact, I fell in love with lands real and imagined, figures both fictional and
factual, and developed passions for literature and history (these passions
would later vie for assertion of power over one another during my college
days).
This first crush definitely set the
bar for all later crushes. I can remember a few times in high school when I
compared my classmates to this particular crush. Finding my fellow classmates sorely lacking
(because anyone will admit that the following crush is freaking awesome in a
variety of ways), I gleefully ignored them and frolicked off into the sunset to
find someone more worthy of my time.
May I present to you: (cue confetti
exploding, trumpets playing, ladies dancing, and men turning green with envy)
ALEXANDER HAMILTON!
Born somewheres around January 11,
1755 or 1757 (the exact date is unknown and who cares about exactness when all
we care about is a time machine that could take us back so that we can
experience him without a textbook between us), on the island of Nevis, British
West Indies. The result of an adulterous
affair, his French mum (I could be stereotypical and say “duh” in
reference to the baby-making affair—but I love the French so I won’t…or did I
just inadvertently do so?) was thrown out of the house and prior to
Hamilton’s birth married a Scottish trader. Hamilton and his lovely mum were abandoned
soon after his birth and left destitute.
Part of what makes him so crush worthy is that he rose up from such
“humble” beginnings and John Adams wasn’t so far off when he described Hamilton
as "the bastard brat of a Scottish peddler" (I wish politicians still
spoke like this today!)
Hamilton was tenacious to a whole new level. He took his first job at 11, and he worked as a clerk until he was
around 16. He was obviously more
impressive than most teenagers are these days (the “strawberry” generation
today continues to scare me with their FB posts of “Oh mah gawd I so totally
wanna buy that new Dolce bag! My parents are soooo stupid!”)
He was such a rock star that after enrolling in King’s
College (later named Columbia University) he decided to ditch the studies and
instead defend the colonist’s cause (wish I could’ve had a noble reason for
slacking on my studies) as the colonies seemed on the brink of a revolution. He
was definitely a hands-on kind of guy (*wink wink*), and left King’s College to learn in a more direct way, down in the
political trenches of the time.
He quickly traded political trenches
for true battle (something not many politicians of our day do) ones and in 1775
Hamilton became part of the New York Artillery Company (I do so admire a man who’s
good with a gun). He was so good with
his gun (I swear no innuendo intended, though it is rather ironic since he was
considered good with the ladies) he was promoted to lieutenant colonel and was
made Washington’s assistant. He was good
with his pen as well as his gun (I can’t seem to stop now) and from 1777 to
1792 he wrote most of Washington’s critical letters, made reports on strategic
reforms and restructuring of the army, and was so amazingly brilliant that he
managed to convince New Yorkers to agree (that’s amazing enough) to ratify the
U.S. Constitution.
It was around this time that he
married me (well my young mind often daydreamed in boring classes that it was
me). Actually, he married a very wealthy
New Yorker named Elisabeth Schuyler (I wonder if she went around saying,
“Elisabeth with an ‘s,’” the way Anne did with her “e.”) and I’d like to say
they had a happy marriage but alas I am not privy to such knowledge. I can say
that married life, in addition to a desk job, was enough to drive him back into
battle. He charged the British like
a true b.a. m.o. (probably made a number of them cry because they knew they’d never
be as cool as him) and only stopped being so amazingly awesome, with his
gorgeous locks flowing in the winds of victory, when Cornwallis surrendered (he
probably didn’t like the idea of meeting Hamilton on the field of battle since
he knew he’d never shine as bright as our man Hamilton).
No matter though, even after toting a gun and smelling like
a man in uniform,
he went on to give a new spin on the mental image of “male secretary” (making it
downright sexy in my opinion) and served as the nation's first secretary of the
treasury from 1789 to 1795 (ironic, since we now see him “all the time” on the
$10; unless you’re a poor student or just otherwise poor…not at all speaking
from experience here). It was here that he set about trying to pump up the
nation into a true-blue, bum-kicking machine. He was definitely part of the
success of that endeavor since France, having had silly thoughts that it could
grab a piece of newly established American soil, decided against getting it's
bum whooped and signed a peace agreement in 1800.
Having made his mark in the higher
political offices, and being a man of action, Hamilton decided to study law
(possibly in hopes that he could sue his former rivals). What’s interesting here is that as a lawyer
Hamilton ended up defending more Loyalists (those who’d been insistent upon
following those men with sexy accents aka the British) than former rebels. He
was involved in many important cases that helped shape the law system into what
it is today. He also, just for fun, helped
found the Bank of New York. Some of his colleagues, however,
thought he had his hands in too many cookie jars
At the time, not to make it any more confusing, vice presidents were voted for separately from presidents and because of such Aaron Burr (its cold in here) became tied for Jefferson for presidency. Of course Jefferson was not a fan of Burr and often left Burr out of his decisions after their inauguration (rejected!). He disliked the man with the funny last name so much that he actually removed Burr from his ticket in the 1804 reelection. Burr knew a burn when he felt one and instead ran for New York governorship. The poor guy lost (I wouldn’t be surprised if his prized beagle also ran away with his wife at the time too)!
It comes as no surprise that Hamilton, being completely incapable of keeping his mouth shut (and that’s part of why he’s a crush of mine), royally pissed off Burr when he called Burr "the most unfit and dangerous man of the community." (Oh no he didn’t!) His eyes twitching, fuses burst, Burr demanded an explanation from the beautiful “fiend” Hamilton. Hamilton refused to reply, like the B.A. brat that he was, so Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel (wish we still settled disputes like this…or like this: proper way to solve an issue). Hamilton only said yes because he hoped that by getting his bum whooped, Burr would learn a lesson and be useful for a change.
At dawn on July 11, 1804 the duel commenced. Both men drew their weapons (sadly they
weren’t phase pistols) and fired. Hamilton, my dear, sweet Hamilton, was
fatally wounded. I believe leprechauns were jealous of Hamilton’s witty humor
and feared for their gold and
caused him to fire too wide, his bullet completely missing Burr. A star stopped shining on July 12 when Hamilton succumbed to his wounds and sailed to the Grey Havens
where he is currently sipping tea with Boramir, who incidentally did not die
either (just roll with it okay?).
The opinions and witticisms came
from…somewhere strange inside my mind. Very difficult to cite the exact
location…
Much of my "spot-on" information came from the
following website and not from a time machine and incessant stalking:
"Alexander Hamilton."
2013. The
Biography Channel website. Jan 31
2013, 09:21 http://www.biography.com/people/alexander-hamilton-9326481.
